Friends of Gabriel Chantayan

so my mother (god love her, she still thinks the internet is a series of tubes you can catch viruses from if you don't unplug during thunderstorms) forwarded me this chain email she got from her friend barbara from the knitting circle. and i have to share it here because the normie scripture-literalist energy is identical to what gracewarrior_77 pulls in the teachings board.

the email says, and i quote, "DISNEY CONFIRMED: THE LITTLE MERMAID COVER ART CONTAINS A HIDDEN PHALLIC IMAGE IN THE CASTLE TOWER SPIRE. forward this to 15 people or the subliminal messages will enter YOUR children's minds while they sleep."

first of all, "DISNEY CONFIRMED" in all caps with no source, no link, no press release, no nothing. that's not confirmation, that's a signature block written by someone who thinks "cc:" is a type of eyeglass prescription.

second, i actually went and looked at the cover art. the alleged "phallic image" is a spire on the castle that looks exactly like every other castle spire ever drawn by a tired animator in 1989 who was thinking about lunch. it's pareidolia, you ned flanders types. you see a wiener in a cloud and suddenly walter disney himself is reaching out from the cryo-chamber to corrupt your children.

third - and this is the part that made me actually laugh out loud - the email says "the subliminal messages will enter YOUR children's minds while they sleep." as if the dvd, while sitting in its case on the shelf at 3am, radiates mind-control rays through the plastic and the cardboard and the dust cover directly into the frontal cortex of any child within a 50-meter radius.

this is EXACTLY the same logic as gracewarrior_77 claiming a lamp she bought at a store that doesn't stock that model is "gabriel's earthly vessel" because she felt a warmth in her left palm while holding it. NO. you felt warmth because you were gripping a lightbulb fixture that had been on display under halogen spots for eight hours. that's thermodynamics, not theology.

my mother genuinely believes that if she doesn't forward this to 15 people including cousin judy and the pastor's wife, the disney corporation will personally materialize in her living room and replace her vhs copies of bambi with satanic versions. i told her, mama, if disney wanted to subliminally message me they'd put a "go to epcot center" signal in the static of the previews, not a badly-drawn castle turret that looks like a ginger root.

anyway. needed to get that out. if anyone wants the full text of the email to forensic-analyze the chain-of-custody, i have it saved in a .txt file that i promise contains ZERO subliminal commands to forward it to fifteen people.

Nacht.