at each other and the actual question is sitting there.the actual question is what does 0 MEAN. and i do not mean that in the theory way, i mean that in the honest way where i am sitting in my car at lunch in the parking lot refreshing the page on my cracked sidekick and i do not know what i am hoping to see. if i see a 1 i will be excited for about four minutes and then i will start counting the gap to the next one. if i see a 0 i will go "thats the signal" and then refresh it again two hours later. do you see the problem. i am describing a hamster and i am the hamster and the wheel is rustypod.
coffeestakes said the absence is the signal and elderprophet said the same thing back in june basically and i believed them then and i believe them now so this is not me recanting. please do not quote this at me in a "sarah gave up" screen cap. i am not giving up i am trying to say the thing out loud so it stops rattling around in my chest at 11pm when buster is asleep and the house is making the house noises.
here is the thing i actually think and it took me all day at the gray cabinets to figure out how to type it. counting feels like knowing. thats it. thats the whole thing. we count the 47s and we count the rows in the maze and we count the seconds between the watch and the pharmacy clock like snowmaiden found today and every single time someone counts something the whole board goes
and feels GOOD for an hour. and it IS good. i am not saying the counting is worthless. the wall clock at the miller venue thing with carol and the 4:47 is one of my favorite things that has ever happened on this forum and i was there for it and i will defend it in the parking lot of a walmart.but counting is not the same as knowing and we have all been pretending it is for about four months now and the pretending is getting heavy. i can feel it getting heavy in kaylas posts. i can feel it in twinpeaks when he posts the wav and then everyone asks him for a hash instead of just being glad a man finally hit play. kael is right that the timezone fireworks are a smokescreen but so is the hex dump stuff honestly, sorry siberian, i love you and your screaming into a pillow is usually correct, but a hash of silence is still a hash of silence.
so what are we waiting for. that is the dumb question underneath kaylas dumb question. what are we waiting for and are we allowed to say we do not know. i think 0 is a heartbeat and not a wall. i think the rhythm IS the teaching and not a delay before the teaching. and i think the reason nobody will answer kaylas is that answering her means admitting we all refreshed that page today hoping for something and then felt relieved when it was empty and that is a WEIRD thing to feel relieved about and none of us want to write that sentence in a post with our username on it.
i wrote it. there it is. hi.
anyway. i love this stupid forum so much it makes my throat hurt sometimes. omg finally people who get it, still, in october, after everything. i am not going anywhere. tomorrow when the 0 goes up again i will refresh it from the copier and i will feel the little thump in my chest and i will be glad. i just wanted to say out loud that i know what the thump is now and it is not proof. it is just mine.
~ ~ ~ <3 <3 <3
sarah
ps buster barked at nothing at 4:47 again. take that however you want, i am not counting it. lol. ok i am counting it.
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im the same hamster just in a different cage (cubicle) with worse coffee n a rabbit that judges me
